Not a question, just having a bit of a sad because I’m fed up.
My ex and I have a formal parenting plan (lawyers but no court). He organised it, but doesn’t like the terms. I think he thinks it’s not casual enough and sees the time scheduled for him to spend with our kid as him babysitting so I get alone time.
Which he doesn’t seem to agree with.
It worked for 2-3 weeks. Then Covid happened, we freaked not knowing what would happen, and started spending a lot of family time together for the first time in 18mths. Then we had a few tiffs re finances and the plan went out the window with him going no contact again for days or weeks. Then back again like nothing happened. Exhausting, and bad for my self esteem and mental health (not to mention kid and I both pining).
Over time I noticed that the visits with our child dropped off and he’d just turn up or tagalong with our plans because he was bored. I didn’t mind the family time, it was nice, but I wasn’t getting a break (still aren’t) and a pattern formed. He’d see us during the week then disappear again or pull a sickie on his weekend. He’s supposed to have a sleepover once a month and we have had one all year (and he asked to cut it short in less than 20hrs).
For months I’ve been told to reign it in and stop giving him so much of my time and headspace. Now I’ve had enough and the affection from him has gone, the little niggling comments and demands are creeping back in, and I’ve come to reluctantly spend time with him for our child’s sake knowing he will bail time and again or make himself officially unavailable for months (he has been ‘unavailable’ since July but keeps finding time to hang out with us, usually atmy expense.
Has anyone had a similar situation? Because I feel like a doormat. I’m trying to organise one last family outing then call it quits. I just can’t keep trailing along behind the two of them, looking for crumbs of affection from someone who just uses and abuses me. 😞 I expect retaliation though.
If you are separated then is going to be unhealthy (and confusing for your child) if you spend time together. You need to lead your own paths and only see and communication with one another over your child. This will eliminate all the crap you are through by not having clear, strict boundaries.
Thanks. I’m not sure I can get a consent order as I had a community based lawyer that has now closed my file. They would (and have previously) advise/d not to get a consent order given our circumstances. It wouldn’t work. Threats made in past that going to court would mean he would retaliate and ask for much more time than he currently has just to teach me a lesson, or disappear entirely.
I also have the complicated issue of having a turbulent past relationship with him where discussions about finances cause conflict and then he abandons visits. I haven’t been able to claim child support (have an exemption) because he got so pushy about it being private collect (doesn’t want work to know we’re separated) and made threats about what would happen if I didn’t agree. He thinks I just ended the case to help him out, so he occasionally has another crack at telling me why it needs to be a private arrangement.
I did manage to tell him yesterday that I’m taking a break from family time. I said he can see our child, or me, but not together, as it’s not working for me. I tried to make it about me rather than attack him for not taking his set visits.
Just to reiterate, the plan was put together via lawyers during mediation. We did not speak with each other to work it out because previous mediation at Relationships Australia was unsuccessful (dv relationship and RA have been consistently rubbish).