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    • #66076 Reply
      AvatarAnonymous
      Guest

      My soon to be ex-husband left me at 35 weeks pregnant after telling me he’d be having an affair with a co-worker while he worked interstate. 5 months on, me, my 3 year old and 4 month old are doing just fine without him. He rarely visits from his new life interstate, and when he does he’ll only spend a day or two with my eldest. Due to this, I feel like I am now the only link between my children and the in-laws, aunts, uncles, cousins on his side. They don’t really offer much in terms of support but ask for weekly catch ups so they can see the children at the park etc. Sometimes it’s not an issue, but other times it’s like another thing added to my never ending to do list. I guess I am just seeking some advice/guidance if anyone has been through the same thing. How did you set boundaries? And why is it that I’m expected to do more for his family instead of him?

    • #66079 Reply
      Lucy GoodLucy Good
      Keymaster

      It great that you keep up this contact, good for you.

      Can you change it from weekly to monthly and just explain that would work better for you?

    • #66083 Reply
      Lucy GoodLucy Good
      Keymaster

      My mother-in-law, who is lovely, was like this. She wanted to see the kids but I had to be there too, meaning it was more of a hinderance than a help. Perhaps you could suggest they take the kids every now and then. Tell them that it would really help you – most people are more than willing to help – you just have to ask.

    • #66088 Reply
      Lucy GoodLucy Good
      Keymaster

      In answer to your last question try and look at it as if you are doing it for the kids rather than his family and that will make it easier. Regarding boundaries, it’s a conversation. They can spend more time with the kids if they can help out as carers, or like other poster said make it a monthly meet, rather than weekly. They are possibly not aware of the problem it is causing you.

    • #66096 Reply
      Lucy GoodLucy Good
      Keymaster

      Just be honest with them.

      If you are too busy tell them.

      They might offer to take the kids instead.

    • #66113 Reply
      Lucy GoodLucy Good
      Keymaster

      I am lucky as my MIL is in another country but I do make sure that our child stays in touch. I think you are lovely making so much effort. But like with everything when it becomes too one sided it is natural to become resentful. Nip it in the bud now with a chat. Tell them that you love them and you are super keen to foster a good relationship between them and the children but you are time poor so would like to discuss a different way of doing it.

    • #66137 Reply
      Lucy GoodLucy Good
      Keymaster

      Every week??? That’s a big call.

    • #66142 Reply
      AvatarAnonymous
      Guest

      That’s fantastic you support your children’s relationship with your in-laws. Does he enjoy the play time with them all? I completely understand your comment on your partners ‘lack of’ but it’s beside the point. Your time is important so I agree with other posters that if you can’t do it just tell them and see if they offer to collect your eldest. If your eldest enjoys the time and interaction then that’s great for him

    • #66163 Reply
      Lucy GoodLucy Good
      Keymaster

      Talk to them. Simple.

    • #66245 Reply
      AvatarAnonymous
      Guest

      If your happy to leave your children with them make them step up and use the opportunity to have some time for yourself, just explain you would love them to see the kids but you have to duck to the shops or what ever. My ex MIL was also very uninvolved but when asked she happily did more and expressed that she didn’t want to seem like she was impossing

    • #66553 Reply
      AvatarAnonymous
      Guest

      I’m so sorry you went through this. Currently in a similar situation with my ex (he left me at 8 weeks pregnant, actively conceived baby and we share a 2 yr old).
      I’ve moved interstate and am also having difficulties with setting boundaries with his parents. It’s hard because they went from looking after my daughter 2 days a week and very frequent contact and now we live in a different state. We recently had a miscommunication issue where they had planned to come to visit but had made the assumption that my daughter would be staying with them for the weekend.. my only issue with this is they didn’t communicate this or check this with me. I called them and explained I supported their relationship with my kids 100% and had no issue with them spending time… but it’s not appropriate for them to make assumptions about their visits and they need to show me the same courtesy and level of communication as when we lived in the same state. It was an amicable conversation but was important for me to adjust their expectations and set that boundary very early on. I also explained to them that we needed to have open lines of communication, clarify any issues and talk rather than text. At the end of the day, so many issues can avoided with good communication. You’re the primary carer – it’s ok to make decisions that work best for you and your kids. You don’t need to bend over backwards for everyone else all the time. I would start just by putting some small boundaries in place i.e. today doesn’t work for me, how about next week instead? If they push back or call you out for restricting their access to the kids, just give them a call and have an open conversation about it – i.e. weekly doesn’t always work for me, let’s try fortnightly and reassure them it’s about the practicalities, not the relationships.

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