I know firsthand the challenges of planning a “perfect Christmas” when your family dynamic has shifted. Between organising the best Christmas morning and planning handovers with your ex, balancing tradition and flexibility is no small feat. My first Christmas post-separation was tough. I felt the despair of not having my children with me for the full holiday. Yet, I also wanted them to experience a joyful season. But fear not. This guide is here to help make your Christmas as a co-parent smoother. Here’s how I’ve learned to make it possible while keeping the holidays special for my kiddos.
Happy Christmas as a co-parent: How to make it work
1. Make plans a long way in advance
Planning for Christmas as a mum is HUGE, but as a single mother, it is like running a military operation.
Unless you have a parenting plan or orders with specific instructions about who has the kids and when negotiations may be long-winded. Having to make plans in haste can be stressful. The sooner you broach the conversation with the other parent, the sooner you can reach an agreement on the who’s, where’s, and when’s of the festive period.
2. Get the Christmas communication right
Use this time to work on good communication with your ex. Choose the type of communication that works best for you as a former couple, i.e. face-to-face, text or a co-parenting app. Then, stick to it.
Be mindful to use non-aggressive communication and gestures to keep everything on-topic and respectful.
Keep a record of the plans you have made together. You may need to refer to them if there is confusion later on. It can be an email or text, which you can forward if arrangements are going awry and one parent needs a gentle reminder.
3. Be flexible when sharing the holidays
It’s all very well to plan early and be super-duper organised, but this is life, and changes are inevitable. We just don’t know what’s around the corner, so be open and ready to make changes to your plans.
Organise your parenting plan or consent orders now if you don’t already have them. Most parenting plans include arrangements for special occasions. A parenting plan or consent order can save the day (and your co-parenting relationship) when you have already dictated your plans, and both parents simply have to follow them.
Don’t stress if you don’t want to make arrangements to share Christmas as a co-parent in a certain way for the next ten years. Plans and orders can be changed as situations evolve and your children grow and have different needs at Christmas.
NOTE: Family law courts are bursting at the seams pre-Christmas while everyone tries to get their arrangements documented. Do yours early, or muddle through this Christmas and get one prepared in the new year.
Christmas as a Co-parent (cont.)
5. Think of new Christmas traditions
If you are sharing Christmas as a co-parent, it will be different now, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be better.
Create some new Christmas traditions and routines that will provide comfort and joy through the years.
How about a trip to the cinema on Christmas Eve or a walk to see the lights in your neighbourhood? A different treat for Santa or some new decorations that you can put up together?
Single mum life is full of new routines that we create to provide security and contentment for our children. Christmas is no exception.
6. The kids ALWAYS come first
All the extensive arrangements and precision planning around Christmas are because we want our kids to have the best Christmas EVER.
Yet, amid all the tangled tinsel and crazy Christmas planning, it is easy to lose sight of why we want everything to be perfect.
For. Our. Kids.
We want to make wonderful Christmas memories that they will cherish forever and ultimately pass on to their own children.
If you and the other parent find yourself arguing over festive plans, remind yourself (and him) why you’re doing this. Your children’s happiness is the one thing you have in common and is a great middle ground from which to make plans that work in their favour.
7. Get everyone on the same page
Holidays for separated families are a bit complicated. Not only do both parents want to celebrate with the kids, but there are grandparents and extended family to consider … not to mention if either of you has re-partnered and there is a whole other family that needs to slot into the plans somewhere. You are not alone if you feel completely overwhelmed.
But please remember: Everything is doable.
Once you’ve made plans, make sure everyone knows what they are. Most importantly, share them in an age-appropriate way with your kids.
Letting your children know the plans will help them feel secure in the knowledge that Christmas is under control and they can look forward to it without anxiety or worry.
8. Plan the Christmas gifts (Decide who gets to be Santa)
And then there’s the presents …
If your co-parenting relationship allows, talk to the other parent before buying anything. Ideally, pull together and go halves on the larger gifts, so you both save money while the kids get what they want. They’ll also be delighted that it’s from both of you.
If your relationship is on the rocks and talking about presents might send it over the edge, just send your ex a quick email so he knows what you’re getting for the kids. This way you won’t both buy the same thing.
How to have a happy Christmas as a co-parent (cont.)
9. Limit your alcohol intake (or have none at all)
Christmas Day is a great excuse for a Champagne breakfast or to crack a beer before midday.
But PLEASE be careful.
Especially if you are not a seasoned drinker.
Too much alcohol on Christmas Day can make you momentarily merry but lead to feelings of anger, tiredness, irritability and anxiety. It can also make you over-emotional or argumentative … which you seriously don’t need when you are trying so hard to keep the peace with your ex.
Plus, your kids won’t enjoy seeing their mummy drunk, so limit the drink and stay on form for them.
Note: If the other parent is a big drinker, try and arrange Christmas so neither you nor the kids are around him while he is intoxicated because this is prime time for heightened emotions and arguments.
10. Prepare for emotions and be kind to yourself
For many separated families, Christmas can bring up a mix of emotions. It is mentally, emotionally, and financially challenging. It’s understandably normal to feel moments of sorrow, anger, or even resentment, but it’s also a time to be gentle with yourself. Being a single parent during this season is tough, and giving yourself a break, both mentally and emotionally, can make a world of difference. Remember, no family is perfect, and yours doesn’t have to be to feel the joy of the season.
If you will be spending all or part of Christmas Day alone, make plans and keep busy. And know that it will get easier as the years go by.
Further reading: Alone on Christmas Day: Tips to make it memorable
11. Goodwill to all (even your ex!)
Use this time to reach out to the other parent and mend some of those burnt bridges (if you're ready). Perhaps you can invite him for breakfast or even buy him a small gift. Check out this article for ideas: 12 Hilarious Christmas gifts for your ex. The reality is that mum and dad getting on (even for one day) is the very best present you can give to your kids.
12. Enjoy the day and have fun
Yes, Christmas without the kids won't be as memorable, but it doesn’t hurt to let your hair down and enjoy yourself too. Be sure to allow time for "me time” even if it is lying comatose on the couch watching The Wiggles Christmas Special.
Final words: Shared parenting on Christmas
The first Christmas after my divorce, I felt a heavy heart knowing that I’d only have half the day with my children. While I was determined to make it enjoyable for them, I couldn’t shake the sadness that Christmas would look different from now on. My ex-husband and I had arranged to split the day, and though it was awkward at first, we both realised that seeing our children happy was worth the effort.
Over time, I learned that creating our own little customs, like having a special breakfast before the handover, brought new joy to our holiday. I started to understand that Christmas could be magical, even if it didn’t look like it used to.
In the end, we realised that as co-parents, working together during the festive season was one of the biggest gifts we could give our children.
Wishing all the single mums out there the best Christmas EVER.
