Does there have to be a spark on a first date?

Spark on first date | Beanstalk Single Mums

Nothing strikes fear into a single girl’s heart like preparing for a first date with a new guy.

Thoughts of what to wear, how to make a great first impression, or even uncertainty whether he will turn up or not, can flood our minds once we set a time and place to meet. Our thoughts are not immediately of whether there will be a spark or not.

However, when there has been a lot of flirty banter and attraction happening between you beforehand, this can raise your expectations. If there is a spark between you online, you expect to feel the same in person. If you meet face to face and there is no immediate spark between you, then disappointment when your expectations aren’t met, can stop you from agreeing to a second date.

Nerves can also play a big part in reading signals from our dates. If either of you are nervous, then it’s difficult to be authentic or relaxed enough to let your true self and personality shine through.

If an initial spark is absent and our expectations are not immediately met, we may write off a good man.



A friend of mine freely admits that one of the dates she went on was with a man she termed ‘Hot Guy’. Although she had barely engaged in a conversation with him, she was excited to meet him in person as soon as possible since he was so physically attractive to her. They arranged a time to meet, and Hot Guy was as handsome in person as he was in his pictures.

The instant spark was there between them face to face, and after a greeting which included a long, steamy kiss, they ordered drinks. But five minutes into the date, she found herself struggling for conversation. He was not much of a talker, and his only interest seemed to be how fast could he get her to agree to having sex with him.

After an hour of wandering hands and uncomfortable conversation, she gave up. Massively disappointed that he didn’t live up to her expectations, it made her realise that she was looking for the wrong type of guys by focusing too much on the external appearance only.


Connection and communication. An interesting conversation with positive body language and smiley eye contact is a good start. If you find your date mildly attractive, then this attraction can grow and blossom into something longer lasting if you discover matching values and interests that you have in common.

Check this article for talking point ideas: 55 First date questions to break the ice.


Another important thing to consider is how your date smells. When you first meet your date, during the greeting hug, take notice of how he smells. If a guy’s natural scent is attractive to us, this can add to his overall attractiveness. However, if you are repelled by his odour, this can put us off the most physically attractive of men!

Research shows that pheromones have robust effects upon both sexes but particularly upon women. Women tend to be more attracted to specific pheromones than men, and there appears to be a subpopulation of individuals with a high sensitivity, or “super-smellers”.

There was a time when I was dating a guy that I found extremely attractive. Sparks crackled and flew through the air between us. He looked like a young Antonio Banderas with long, black wavy hair, tanned skin, a well-honed body and a million-dollar smile. This man was incredibly smart, successful, and talented — he seemed to be the perfect match. There were so many things about him that attracted me to him, from intimate deep and meaningful conversations to how much fun we had together.

So why didn’t it work? His natural scent was a big factor! Freshly showered he smelt good to me, but if he had been out riding horses, playing sport or even just a few hours after a shower, his organic smell seeped past the deodorant and would assault my nostrils.

In the research article titled: Pheromones and their effect on women’s mood and sexuality, it is noted that specific chemical signature effects may be crucial for partner selection, and preliminary studies suggest that pheromones play a role in mate selection through the attribution of attractiveness.

My short answer to the original question is no, not every first date needs to have a spark!

Some connections are slow burners, which can take time to heat up — but it is possible for it to become a long-lasting spark and romantic connection. Instant attraction with fiery sparks may start out scorching hot at first … but can also sputter out fast like a New Year’s Eve sparkler.

It is better to have no expectations in mind when heading out for a first date, other than simply looking forward to what the new experience might bring. If you take the pressure off yourself, then it’s easier to be authentically you.

If you have chosen to consciously connect with this man in person, there must have been a few traits of his that interested you enough to make a date. Even if there appears to be no spark immediately apparent between you, give it time to see if the traits which attracted you to him originally increases his attractiveness, as the date progresses.

Look for the sparkle in his eyes and smile. Read his body language while being aware of your own. If you are leaning in, adjusting your hair, or your cheeks ache from laughter, then give him a second chance, and agree to another date.

Remember that when you want to start a fire, the first attempt at striking of the match is not always successful. But if the right fuel is there awaiting a spark, it doesn’t matter whether it’s the first, second or third strike that the match finally ignites, because the flames can still burn just as hot!

Spark on first date | Beanstalk Single Mums Pinterest


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Karina Chapman

About the author

Karina Chapman is a Soul-Journey Adventure Author, Speaker, and Facilitator. Author of 'The Vixen's Secret Handbook' series, Karina inspires women to rediscover their own inner lights. Her keynote and courses about ‘Conscious Connection’ helps people gain clarity on new relationships they desire, and how to attract them into their lives.

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