BACK TO FORUM

Homepage Beanstalk Single Mum Anonymous Forum Beanstalk Single Mum Anonymous Forum Regret after leaving or just adjustment?

Viewing 7 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #64632 Reply
      AvatarAnonymous
      Guest

      So 6 weeks ago I took the plunge (again) and left my husband. This is the 3rd time I’ve tried and I normally go straight back. We are married 13 years together 17 with 4 kids. You see my husband is a hard-working man, a brilliant dad and a good person. He’s never cheated, been abusive or done anything bad. The hardworking part is mostly the problem, he works every hour he can, saying that he is providing. He was bought up like that, his dad was the same. His first priority is work. We are in an industry (farming) where work has to come first. We bought the family farm but in the end I couldn’t cope with being stuck in the farm. My life was just being at home on my own with the kids or driving in and out of the next town as that’s where my life was, kids school, work, shops, Drs etc. He has done everything I’ve asked, gave up the farm to a sharefarmer and got a new job, but that meant the new job became long hours and then there is still always work on the farm to do (ie. Breakdowns or sick animals still happen and are our responsibility). He moved to the next town for me so that I didn’t have to travel all the time, but he hated it and all it meant was that he travelled more and was always travelling back and forth from the farm. His goal in life was to pay the farm off and we would have a happy retirement. Problem Was, we never had time together or as a family because work came first. I could never convince him to take time off for holidays or even spend a weekend at home. I always felt rejected. He wasn’t doing the wrong thing but he refused to beleive that this was ruining our marriage. These issues have been raised over the years, we have been to counseling 4 times and tried to work on it. But in the end, the work we did wouldn’t last, work would take over again. We lost connection and I always tried to work on it, but then I stopped. It’s been really tough as he has acted surprised with the split even though we have gone over the same issues for years. He dosent value love and intimacy the way I do and basically I was living a very lonely existence with the kids always waiting for him to come home from work or even suggest spending time with us over going to work. His goals were so different in the relationship than mine. But I still feel horrible for leaving. I don’t miss him, but I feel guilty that I gave left a “good person” but a pretty void husband. He gets extremely worried about our financial position so I went back to work to help the family’s situation. I never seen us in financial difficulty but he seem debt and mortgage as stressful even though we managed it fine. With me going back to work it became a battle as I wanted to work more to free up his time so we could schedule time together or have family time. But he still couldn’t do that. I would in my head organise a day out when I didn’t think he was working (he is a terrible communicator) and when ide put it to him, he would answer with “oh I was just gonna head out to the farm and fix such and such, it would never be an urgent job, but he couldn’t concentrate on life when there was work to be done. I felt so low and rejected everytime work came above us. He would spend time with the kids and take them to work on the farm, but never me, I ended up becoming jealous of the kids because they were worthy of his time but I never was. He has the kids 50/50 now and has quit his job (not the farm) and it seems such a kick in the face when all I asked is that he just slow down a bit on work (we could afford to) so that we could have some fun in our lives. But now he is a shell of a person, someone who never showed emotion to now crying and acting like it’s all a surprise. In all of our talks since the split, he has never once said he loves me and wants me back, just keeps saying he was 100% committed and was never going to leave, basically because of the kids. But now I feel like I should just go back because I think I expected too much, I wanted more live and fun and sex, but his priorities weren’t that. Maybe I should have changed mine? I’ve asked that he commit to a 6 month break and it’s hit home today as he is moving back to the small town (still not working) and it seems so final, it scares me I’ve made the wrong decision. I don’t beleive I’m worthy of finding pure love and maybe this was as good as it was ever gonna get and I’ve given up on my only hope of being with someone who was decent (just not affectionate). Is this similar to anyone else?

    • #66294 Reply
      AvatarAnonymous
      Guest

      Ok so after writing you a lengthy reply it just disappeared!
      I highly recommend that you complete Lucy’s e-course:
      https://beanstalkmums.com.au/single-mums-ecourse/

      Your dreams and desires we’re not met. Your relationship was neglected. You need time to adjust because it’s all you’ve known for basically your whole life. I feel you’re doing the right thing, you need time to grieve what was and also your dreams that never eventuated. Lucy’s course will help with that BIG TIME. I also feel that you could benefit from getting some counselling to help you deal with the emotional rollercoaster that’s inevitable and move forward. X

    • #66303 Reply
      Lucy GoodLucy Good
      Keymaster

      I felt sad reading your message as you sound like two people who want different things from life. My husband and I broke up after 10 years of marriage (14 years together) simply because we changed and wanted different things from life. This is what has happened to you and it is perfectly normal lovely.

      All up, I believe you have done exactly the right thing, however hard it might feel now.

      We get one life and it’s important to live it your way, whether that is with a partner or not.

      It’s not like you didn’t try to make it work.

      Now is the time to do what makes you happy – because that is ultimately what will make your kids happy too. They need to see that mum is capable to making change. If you need help for this change, there is plenty out there.

    • #66318 Reply
      Lucy GoodLucy Good
      Keymaster

      It’s Lucy here and I really want to thank the lovely poster who recommended my course. I am so happy that it has helped you on your single mother journey.

      To the original poster. You sound like so many mothers who are at your stage of their separation. It is very emotional trying to grapple with the decision that you have made and the impact it will have on your kids, your ex and everyone around you.

      From what you have said you have tried everything and it is still not working – you are very different people who want different things and have a different outlook on what life should be like.

      My ecourse can help you find clarity and would be perfect for you. The very first thing we do is look in the mirror and work out who the hell we are now and we we really want from life. It sounds like you are so ready to do this.

      Regardless of whether you choose to do the course or not, I wish you luck. Please stay connected through this forum and our FB group and make use of all the free resources on this website. Oh and this is a free ebook which may help you too …

      https://www.subscribepage.com/omg_im_a_single_mum

    • #66373 Reply
      Lucy GoodLucy Good
      Keymaster

      Following

    • #66399 Reply
      Lucy GoodLucy Good
      Keymaster

      Exactly the reason we broke up. We were different on every level incl. the affectionate side of things. I don’t regret my decision to leave but have learnt that we can’t keep chasing the honeymoon period and that relationships are transient so it is important to accept change and embrace for a different kind of connection you have with your partner, which is different to how you felt at the beginnings.

    • #66402 Reply
      Lucy GoodLucy Good
      Keymaster

      It takes a while to get used to your decision but it certainly sounds like the right one.

    • #66422 Reply
      Lucy GoodLucy Good
      Keymaster

      What the last person said … 🙂

Viewing 7 reply threads
Reply To: Regret after leaving or just adjustment?
Your information:

Please enter your name


Please enter your email

Please enter a valid email address

Please enter description