I remember the day when I thought I had it all, life was planned out and set in stone. I had a ring on my finger and had started my family. I had married my best friend and we had life-long goals and visions.
We had renovated a little old house. I was always busting my butt to make it a wonderful home and build my dream garden for my family. I would nag my husband about what garden we could build next or what else we could do to make it even better. After a few years of renovations and hard work, it was a stunning, magazine-worthy home and garden … it was my absolute dream.
The house held special memories for me as I had lived there as a child for a few years, and I was back there again when I was 20. I then brought all three of our beautiful babies into the house which truly made it ‘home’.
I could see myself growing old there and I never imagined or wanted anything different from the life I had. I was always busy and I lived in work/mum/wife mode. I worked extremely hard and never took maternity leave. I began to raise my kids whilst working in my family business and my husband ran his family farm.
Life was hectic but it was life. I loved everyone around me, and I strived to keep everyone happy whilst I ran myself into the ground keeping up with the daily demands.
Little did I know my life was soon to take a devastating and heart shattering turn. One day my husband told me he no longer loved me and walked out.
It was a complete shock. I will never forget it. The next few months were extremely tough on me as I tried to get him to talk so I could help him through this time when he no longer wanted me in his world. I didn’t know life without him. For 17-years he had held my hand and loved me, promised me a future together and more.
As the months rolled out I can only describe it as a pure hell which I wish never to visit again. I eventually discovered he had an affair. My life was shattered as I held his phone in my hand with the knowledge of what was happening. It was too late, he was gone and I had no idea what had been going on.
The next few months were gut wrenching. I had never suffered such mental pain and heartache as I refused to give up on my marriage. My exact words were: ‘I married you through good times and bad, and I refuse to let you destroy our family with one very bad decision’.
I had been handed a really hard hand. My three beautiful, tiny children (all under five), my family and my friends had to witness me completely break down into many pieces. I put myself through hell and the closest people to me had to watch me suffer over and over again. It was devastating. All the while, my husband went back and forth trying to decide what he wanted, as he played both me and his new affair partner (who was also married at the time).
After months of what I can only describe as torture I was told to leave my home. I had no-where to go. I lived at my parents temporarily.
I didn’t want to be a mum on my own, it wasn’t what I signed up for. I had never ever contemplated raising my kids alone. My husband had held my hand as they came into the world. Why was he leaving us? Why wasn’t I good enough anymore? What had I done wrong? It didn’t make sense.
I began a path of depression, psychologist visits, doctors, psychics (desperate for someone to tell me he would come back). I was placed on a suicide watch list and had my psychologists’ mobile number should I have had the need to harm myself. I couldn’t face going out. It was a small town where everyone knew what happened and I couldn’t go an hour without crying. I was unable to work for a few months.
Yet, I had to try to pull myself together for my children. Their three tiny faces looking at me with such confusion as to why daddy was never coming home again. I got a rental and thought: ‘Ok, get your shit together girl, you have to do this’. Then I begun life again without him.
I fast forward 4 years (so much has happened, too much to put into this blog). I have had to move house three times. I managed to sell my car to get a house deposit and brought a tiny little house. I endured a rough property settlement, which has only just started to settle slightly. We’ve been through so many dark days, but my gosh, I’m so proud of myself and my amazing kids. They are my world.
I am still single and I haven’t been able to let myself love another man. I have to heal myself first. The kids have needed me 100% and I’ve given them my absolute best. I’m not a perfect mum, but I do my best and I fight hard for our future. I now work two jobs and I am still in my family business. I’m in social media which is helping us secure our future everyday.
Being told you are boring and that you are being replaced is a hard hit, but it made me dig deep and completely rebuild my life and myself. How did I do it? I started pole dancing and I told myself I am good enough and I can do this! So far, it’s been great. I’ve found my confidence and managed to be the most confident I have ever been in my life!
I plan to write a book about my story and start public speaking. I want to help other women who are in a similar situation as I feel there is a lack of support for single mums. I want to make this journey a little easier for women when disaster strikes. I am working on my Facebook Page Mumma Phoenix which is for all single mums so please feel free to follow me.
I was handed this path for a reason and I’m here to make a difference. The future is so important and I plan to make it awesome, so reach out and come with me on this journey. Together .. we’ve got this!