Finding yourself after divorce takes time, not a deadline. Give yourself room to grieve, get honest about what you want, lean on people who lift you up, look after your health, and set small, realistic goals. The 11 steps below show you how, one at a time.
Divorce can be one of the hardest things you go through. It also gives you a rare chance to pause, reset, and find yourself again. As mums, we spend so much time looking after everyone else, from our kids to ageing parents, that we can lose sight of who we are at our core.
Here are some tips from Ella Hickman of Hickman Family Lawyers in Perth on how to find yourself as a single mum after divorce.
Quick takeaways:
- Healing takes time. Give yourself room to feel grief, anger and relief without setting a deadline.
- Ask yourself the hard questions: what you want, what makes you happy, and whether your career still fits.
- Get organised, and lean on positive people, including other single mums and a counsellor if you’re struggling.
- Look after your body with sleep, good food, movement and time outdoors.
- Rediscover old passions or try something new, like a club, a trip or volunteering.
- Set small, realistic goals, and use a journal to see how far you’ve come.
This article is for general informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health support. If you are struggling, please reach out to a qualified professional or contact Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636.
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Give Yourself Some Time
The first step in finding yourself as a single mum is to accept that it’s not going to happen overnight.
You’re in for the long haul here. So, give yourself time to deal with your grief before you are ready to move on. You may be feeling sadness, anger, resentment and fear of what lies ahead. Yet, you may also be feeling liberated and relieved that you’re not in an unhealthy relationship anymore.
How long it may take to deal with these emotions will depend on your individual circumstances. There is no set rule that applies to everyone here, so take your time, but also, don’t take too long either. There’s a whole life out there just waiting for you to start!
Don’t Avoid Asking Yourself The Hard Questions
Before you can even begin to find yourself as a single mum, you’re going to need a plan. This starts with asking yourself some hard questions:
- What do I really want?
- What makes me happy?
- Am I happy with my career, or do I need a change?
- What am I grateful for?
- What are my strengths and weaknesses?
Think about the things that made you happy when you were single, hobbies you may have had, or the people you enjoyed being around and who you may not have seen for a while.
Perhaps it’s now time to pursue these past activities, rekindle some old friendships, and bring some of your favourite things back into your life.
Getting Organised Post Divorce
Once you begin to answer these difficult questions, start getting organised!
Set some goals, write down your concerns, your accomplishments, your fears, whatever, and start putting some order back into your life.
When you are organised in your home, your work and your thoughts, it becomes easier to think clearly and deal with whatever challenges you’re facing. This, in turn, gives you the confidence you need to lead a fulfilling life for you and your children. And that is what finding yourself is really all about.
Connect With Your Support Network
You don’t need to go through this on your own. If you have family and friends around, spend time with them, but try not to focus on discussing your ex or wallow in the past.
Connect with people who are positive and make you happy. Avoid, if only temporarily, people who are negative or don’t add any value to your new life.
Get out and socialise. You may already know of or could arrange to meet other newly single mums who may be in a similar situation to you and looking for support, too.
Selecting and connecting with a single mother support network is vital in getting you through this time. If you’re still struggling to cope, don’t hesitate to seek counselling.
Make Time For Self-Care
Going through a divorce is physically and mentally taxing on everyone. Being under constant stress and having to take care of others makes it all too easy to neglect your own health and well-being.
Try to make time for self-care in whatever form works for you. Take time to eat well, exercise, get enough sleep and avoid junk foods, excessive alcohol and over or under-eating. Remember, you have to remain healthy and strong to take care of your children too.
Spend Time Outdoors
There’s nowhere better to remind us of how wonderful life can be than being outdoors in the sunshine, surrounded by nature.
If you’re living in a concrete jungle, take a day trip and get amongst nature when you can. Spend time in a park, in a forest, on a farm, on the beach and breathe fresh air and let your surroundings work some magic into your soul.
Discover Your Passions
If you’ve had any past passions, hobbies, or other interests that you may have stopped doing, try to rediscover them.
You could also seek out some new things you may have always wanted to try but never quite gotten around to them.
Join a club or a gym, treat yourself to a trip somewhere, or start a small DIY project at home. Find whatever will make you happy and keep your heart full!
Set Realistic Goals
In order to achieve your ultimate long-term goal of finding yourself as a single mum, it’s important to set goals to keep you focused.
What’s even more important is for these goals to be realistic. Achieving a short-term goal brings you one step closer to your main goal. Such steps fill you with a sense of accomplishment and confidence in your own ability and character. Reward yourself each time you achieve a short-term goal, even if it’s just a small treat for you and your children.
Setting unrealistic goals can be counterproductive as the moment you realise they are untenable; it can hinder your self-esteem. Making it that much easier to sink back into your old unsatisfying habits and routines.
Stay Positive
In the early stages, it may be difficult to remain positive. Having so many new challenges thrown at you all at once. It can be hugely overwhelming. However, by staying positive and focused on each challenge, you can overcome them all, perhaps just one at a time.
Staying positive allows you to concentrate on finding solutions to the issues you may be encountering rather than seeing them as insurmountable obstacles in your life.
Keep A Journal
Keeping a journal through this difficult period can be most useful and so therapeutic.
Translating your thoughts and emotions you’re feeling each day into written words, allows you to capture your mood, your state of mind and your current situation. No matter how happy or sad you are.
Reading them later on also allows you to track any progress you may have made. Giving you an overall sense of achievement of how far you have actually come.
Volunteer
No matter how hard your life may seem at the moment, always remember that there are many people from all walks of life who may be in a far worse situation than you are. Find out about volunteering for a cause that is meaningful to you in your area and helping others less fortunate than you, can help you be grateful for the small (or big!) joys you have in your life already.
Not only it will take you out of your rut and meet new people, but helping others can be so rewarding, as you can unwittingly end up helping yourself in the process, too.
Final Thoughts on How to Find Yourself After Divorce
Navigating the aftermath of a divorce can indeed be daunting. Yet, it presents an invaluable chance to rediscover and redefine yourself as a single mum. By giving yourself time to heal, asking tough questions, and getting organised, you can begin to build a fulfilling new life.
Surrounding yourself with a supportive network, prioritising self-care, and reconnecting with nature can rejuvenate your spirit. Engaging in passions, setting realistic goals, maintaining a positive outlook, keeping a journal, and volunteering are all powerful tools that can guide you through this transformative journey.
Remember, every step you take towards finding yourself not only enhances your own well-being but also enriches the lives of your children. Embrace this opportunity with courage and optimism. You'll find that life after divorce can be a time of incredible growth and new beginnings.
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