Being a breakup recovery and dating coach who helps women with their toxic man troubles every single day, I regularly receive questions about why hurtful men do what they do.
This is my answer to one woman, modified for Beanstalk Mums:
Hey Emma, I am so very sorry to hear of the pain you’re going through.
I’ll answer your questions one by one, even though you might have meant them as rhetorical. Please read the answers with care.
You want to know why he doesn’t miss you or care that he’s destroying you.
That’s because he actually isn’t happy at all.
What you see is the illusion of his happiness, a facade.
The reason being is that he loves to gratify—he loves to make himself feel good and avoid the things that make him feel bad or uncomfortable.
Yes, self-gratifying in that he’s addicted to the drugs/women/gaming/drinking/etc because he feels so shit about himself that he constantly needs to do these things to feel good. If I can take a guess, he might have relapsed a few times.
He’s avoidant in that he blames everything on you.
And walks away when your answers aren’t good enough for him.
Fact is he didn’t fall out of love with you. You don’t fall out of love with people.
You CHOSE to fall out of love.
He chose to fall out of love with you and is blaming you for not making him be in love with you.
He’s not accepting any responsibility whatsoever in his part of the relationship.
And yes, I know that we, as the woman, must also take responsibility in our relationships and not blame the men entirely, but you know what? It’s not the time for that right now.
This answer is for you. This answer is for the woman who tried and tried and tried till she exhausted herself.
You fought. You know you fought.
And you fought so bloody hard.
I’m taking a guess that if you needed to fight so hard… you kind of was the only one in the relationship. As in, he was there, yet he wasn’t there at all.
Maybe it was good at first, but if you’re here, it got bad towards the end.
I’m also taking a guess that he never really fought. You basically were the one doing all the work, trying to keep the relationship alive.
But you can’t fight if the battle has already been lost. And it seems that he opted out a long time ago.
He doesn’t seem to care because he has numbed out all emotions since that’s how he has coped with his pain all these years. He doesn’t have the internal mechanisms to regulate feelings of guilt, shame or unworthiness.
Why doesn’t he care that he’s destroying me? (cont.)
People like him are actually incredibly unhappy. They are just good at lying about it, disguising it or excusing it.
At their core, they know they are twisted and black.. they know just how damaged they are.
They are just masters at avoiding acknowledging that every single day.
Or well, they just don’t care. Which, to be honest, makes it even scarier.
People like him can’t look at themselves straight in the mirror and say that they actually like themselves. The scary ones believe with all their heart that everyone is perfectly OK.
You’ve also asked, “How do I get the love of my life back? How do I get my family back?”
I’m so so sorry, but you don’t take him back because he was never meant to be yours.
I know, “meant” sounds so predestined and might raise the eyebrow of the more analytical amongst us, but I believe that sometimes, we love certain people for a reason.
Sometimes that reason can only be realised when those people leave.
Those words might hurt but… if he’s doing this to you, we have to absolutely see him for exactly who he is.
I think you might be running out of excuses for him at this point.
Remember, would you advise a friend to take back her ex if he treated her like that? If you wouldn’t, then you have your answer.
Some people are never meant to be married or be in a long-lasting, happy and healthy relationship.
Your ex is one of those people, for the traits he has displayed is not husband-material at all.. and the thing is, if you had gotten married again, it was only a matter of time till you got divorced… again.
He’s not going to change.
You would have drained yourself trying to convince a man who never could have been convinced.
So it’s not that you weren’t good enough. You were ALWAYS good enough.
It’s just that you accepted a man who never could be the husband you needed, yes, right from the moment you met him. The traits instilled in him was in him before you met him.
Nothing is good enough for him, you see. That’s why you thought it was you.
When really, it was EVERYTHING.
And that means that he was always going to do this to you.
He was always going to be a 7-year husband. He was never meant to be a 60-year one.
P.S. If you want to learn more about why smart, ambitious professional women fall for toxic men who hurt them, check out this FREE workshop where I delve deep into the science of it all.