The pushback against the "toxic boy mum" trend on social media has forced an incredible discourse on the significant role of mothers in breaking gender norms and gender stereotypes. As we take part in the celebration of the International Day of the Boy Child on May 16, let's talk about how gender discrimination at home can be damaging to our boys ... and how we can fight it.
Being single mothers, we are in a perfect place to promote gender equality. After all, they already see you doing everything, including jobs traditionally done by dads. For your kids, you are already a picture of a woman who has crushed the barriers of societal expectations and gender roles.
What is a Toxic Boy Mum?
Being a mother of a boy is not a negative thing in itself. I don't have a son, but I have nephews who are so easy to be obsessed with. They're menaces, but also incredibly sweet and affectionate. (So are my daughter and niece, by the way. In hindsight, there's not much of a difference between the boys and girls in our family.)
However, this becomes harmful when a mother makes having a son her entire personality. She shows a bias towards sons over daughters. She is extremely possessive of her place in his life. Sometimes, she can [subconsciously] use her son as an emotional replacement for a romantic partner. These can be damaging not only to daughters who witness the preferential treatment but to sons who grow up around this unhealthy form of parenting.
Check out these statements:
- "Having a son is so different. I love my daughters, but my son is just special."
- "No girl can replace me. I'm his first love. I'm the love of his life."
- "Teaching my son how to cook so he's not impressed by your daughter's microwave meals."
These kinds of messages might sound harmless at first, but they can reinforce an outdated attitude that a woman’s value lies only in relation to a man ... even if that man is her son. And for our boys, it sends the wrong signal about emotional independence and respect in future relationships.
The good news? Not all mums of boys turn toxic.
And if you’re reading this and realising you've maybe said or done some things that fall into this category, don’t panic. This isn’t about shame. It’s about awareness and encouragement. Once we know better, we do better. And you, dear mum, have the capacity to shift the culture in your household starting today.
Here’s how to not be one:
Breaking Gender Norms as a Single Mum
Remember: Play Has No Gender
First on our list of breaking gender norms starts from an early age. I'm fortunate to have grown up in a home where toys have no gender. We were equally allowed to play with dolls, stuffed animals, hula hoops, robots, cars, toy weapons, and blocks. There were no girls' and boys' toys ... just children's toys.
Role-playing with dolls and stuffed animals teaches empathy, an essential trait that is easily usurped in our boy children by both society and much digital content.
Make sure your children are exposed to a wide variety of play that nurtures creativity, cooperation, and emotional intelligence. Play is how kids learn about relationships, boundaries, and the world. It’s crucial that we don’t limit them.
Remember: Chores Have No Gender
But my parents also raised us around chores based on gender. I can clean, cook, sew, and do the laundry. But I can't change light bulbs and do basic electric and plumbing repairs. It's only lately that I realised these are life skills that everyone should possess, regardless of being a boy or a girl.
Let’s aim to raise kids who are capable in all aspects of running a household. That means knowing how to clean, budget, fix things, and prepare meals. This strategy doesn’t just prepare them for life; it also challenges the culture that some tasks are beneath men or too hard for women.
Remember: Interests Have No Gender
Our kids today are fortunate to live at a time when people are free to pursue hobbies and interests without judgment from society. Children of all genders can equally do ballet, paint, write, do math, sports, be a scientist or an astronaut.
Encouraging our children to pursue their interests — no matter how “different” they may seem — expands their horizons and builds resilience. Don’t let old stereotypes limit what they dream of becoming. Whether it’s a boy who wants to dance or a girl who wants to go into a male-dominated field, your encouragement means everything.
Breaking Gender Norms at Home (cont.)
Advocate Respect and Admiration for Girls and Women
Communication is key. Teach your boys (and girls) to value girls not just for their looks or relationship to them, but for their voice, intelligence, career aspirations, and strength. Talk about women’s achievements, both in the workplace and in your own family. Showcase women in leadership roles, in different professions, in science, politics, art, and sports. Normalise an inclusive, diverse, equitable view of society in the classroom, the media, and your own family unit.
Empower Your Daughters and Nieces
The flip side of the toxic boy mum trend is the quiet erasure of girls. Make sure your daughters, nieces, and the other girls in your life feel seen, heard, and celebrated. Inspire them to aim high, speak up, and take space. Teach them that they’re not “bossy” ... they’re leaders.
Find Positive Role Models
Just because you do not have a husband does not mean your children cannot have positive male role models. There are many men that they can look up to, from their grandfathers, to their neighbours, teachers, political leaders, and even movie/book characters. Captain America, Aragorn from The Lord of the Rings, and Kristoff from Frozen immediately come to mind when I think of positive male depictions.
Positive masculinity is tender, responsible, kind, and emotionally expressive. Let your son bond with men who model those values. It helps balance what they see in popular media and teaches them it’s okay to cry, hug, and communicate deeply. Simple things like this are a huge help in breaking gender norms.
Final Thoughts: Breaking Gender Norms as a Single Parent
Being a single mum isn’t an obstacle; it’s an opportunity. You are the daily example of strength, determination, and love. Your behaviour teaches your children what’s normal, what’s right, and what’s possible.
Let’s raise boys who respect women not because we told them to, but because they grew up watching women lead, nurture, build, and thrive. Let’s encourage them to become men who don’t feel entitled to a woman’s body, time, or devotion because their mum never behaved like they were her whole world. Let's celebrate diversity in people, in different cultures, and in how we love and express ourselves.
And let’s inspire one another in this community of single mums to raise the next generation with empathy, equality, and strength.
We are not just raising boys or girls. We are raising future generations by breaking gender norms. Let’s give them the tools to live in a more inclusive, equitable, and compassionate world.
Happy International Day of the Boy Child.
