How to stop over analysing your new relationship and actually enjoy it

We all desire to be in a loving relationship, however, this takes work and two people willing to work at it. Have you ever wondered what type of role you are playing in your relationship?

I have the pleasure of writing an article on behalf of Beanstalk mums on “How to stop over analysing your new relationship and actually enjoy it”.

Is there truth to this phrase?

In this article I am going to do a deep dive to help single mums consider a fresh new perspective on relationships.

LET’S TALK ABOUT THE HONEYMOON PHASE

I recently heard the term “Honeymoon phase” and I had a little chuckle to myself.

It’s a phrase that I have not heard in a long time or, truth be told, connected with. However, it’s important for this topic because happens at the start of a new relationship.

I’ve been a single mum for eight years and there are not many men who are emotionally and physically available in the dating world. Men tend to share a lot of emotional baggage they have not dealt with, and I was the dumping ground for their loose ends that they had not tied up from previous relationships. Therefore, no Honeymoon phase existed! I missed out and felt that I was robbed of this feeling.

It got me thinking …

What do we think is a “Honeymoon Phase”?

It is a beautiful phrase that can show us so much love, care and nurturing. From a meaning perspective, it could also demarcate the early part of a couple’s relationship where everything seems to be rosy, easy, carefree and happy.

After the honeymoon phase, you may start to see your partner more clearly, and the cute things are suddenly not so cute anymore. Others might see the passion in a relationship start to fade.

For me, the honeymoon phase is the honeymoon relationship you want to have with yourself! This relationship can evolve over time through love, nurturing and care and can last for as long as you want, plus you can access it when you choose it. This might sound a bit strange and hard to believe.

LET ME EXPLAIN …

I had a privileged childhood and always held a very positive view about relationships even though my family was separated and, because I looked like my mother, my father projected his emotional baggage on me.

Through all of this, I still held this lens of rose coloured glasses that relationships are easy and we seem to over complicate or over analyse them.

I yearned to have a beautiful relationship with someone, and the fairytale that goes with it. Whilst I appreciate it may have been a limited view from a young person’s eyes, over time, I realised this was coming from within myself. I needed to shift certain energies to allow this relationship to turn up in my life.

WHAT IF I SAID YOU COULD HAVE THE RELATIONSHIP YOU WANTED?

Easier said than done right!

I hear you.

It all starts with you and the relationship you are having with yourself. Start by asking yourself these questions:

  • What role are you playing in the relationship?
  • Are you the saver, the giver, the problem solver or the peacemaker?
  • What are your deepest desires for meaning and purpose?

Through working with women in the relationship space, I’ve noticed a willingness to dig deeper and develop a relationship with themselves. This allows them to connect to the relationship they have always dreamt about.

If you are not open to new information, you will always be in the same place.

IT’S ALL ABOUT CHOICE

How do you feel about your current relationship at the moment with yourself? Are you finding that you are quite overwhelmed? Is there anything you can do to support yourself in having a more loving relationship with yourself?

When you become clear about what you want, you will spend more energy and heart beats on creating and enjoying the relationship you want to be in every day.

It’s about our own “mindsets”, how we are running our brains, how we choose to respond, how we choose to share the expressions of who we are, and how we get our own needs met.

THE WORD “CHEMISTRY”

I often hear the word “chemistry” within a relationship. Such as:

“I haven’t got any chemistry with my current partner.”

”I haven’t found the right chemistry in a future partner.”

“I am not attracted to them or something is missing in them.”

What if I told you that chemistry all starts with us?

If there is something we are wanting within someone else, it’s the chemistry within ourselves. When we start to explore ourselves, we truly start to fall in love with ourselves and our way of being.

Do you think you have a great relationship with yourself?  Are you giving yourself some downtime?  Are you consciously choosing this for yourself?

We live in a world where we are constantly giving to others and that is also a choice, however, is there another choice for us to receive and be kind to ourselves?

HOW DO YOU PRACTICE THE RELATIONSHIP YOU WANT TO BE IN?

THE SEA-SAW EFFECT

Bring it back to basics. Bring is back to balance.

I have a concept called the Sea-Saw Effect.

If you are off-centre does that mean you are off balance? Or is it just about understanding more about who you are and what you are frustrated about in your relationship?

Do you think someone can make you feel a particular way? Are you taking responsibility for your own feelings, thinking, speaking and behaving? Are you understanding more about your values, beliefs to then know when someone is showing you a similar or contrasting view?

When we start to share, explore, seek to understand by listening to our inner voice and really ask for things that we haven’t asked before, everything changes.

If you are a giver like myself, it can be hard to receive!

THE ART OF CONVERSATION

I truly believe the Art of Conversation can shift a state, shift our connection within ourselves and also change the dynamics of our relationship to become more loving, caring and nurturing.

I feel we sometimes tend to hold emotions in our body.  We hold onto things and it comes out in our language in our relationships.

“Why” do you need to “switch off” feelings or emotions or connections, it’s about “switching into the feelings” to understand them and work out how to take effective action in stepping forward.

DON’T DO IT ALONE

We are not meant to do this alone!  Whether we choose to have a partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, we are choosing to practice the relationships we want to be in and to have fun and start to love the woman we are becoming.

Women are great at communicating whether it be in coffee shops, over drinks, over a group dinner. We seem to be solving all the problems of the world!

Ultimately, we are responsible for the relationships we are practicing and being in. It’s a learning process for all of us. We may not have practiced something like receiving so it is part of the process to practice and be open to the idea of receiving.

ASK YOURSELF

  • Do you think we need to start considering how we are communicating for our current partners?
  • Are we saying it in a loving feminine way?
  • Are we getting the results?
  • Or is there a way to change our communicating style?
  • Do you believe communication is the key to a successful relationship?

Sometimes, being a good communicator is really hard, as you might be communicating one way and the other person could communicate in a completely different style. Not understanding the way other people communicate, or want to communicate, or not engaging in conversations at all, could lead to misunderstandings – whether it’s via texting, talking face-to-face, emails, or verbal communication over the phone.

It’s about discovering your preferred way of communicating and how you are developing the relationship you truly want to be in.

Kim Dunlop

Kim Dunlop

Kim is a developmental leadership expert that supports individuals to fulfill their needs and objectives and to navigate ongoing challenges to achieve their overall goals in a Relationship. 30 years of experience acknowledging and seeing the issues that arise and come forward for people.

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