If you're like me, being a mum has made you look back and evaluate your relationship with your own parents. After all, the parent-child relationship you shared with the people who raised you shaped who you turned out to be: the way you communicate, your attachment styles, and your expectations for support. These things make you realise the need to build a better relationship with your child.
As a first-time mum, one of my fears is this current phenomenon where children go no contact with their parents. To be honest, I don't even want to imagine my daughter growing up and not talking to me anymore. Whether this is also one of your new unlocked fears as a parent or just want to raise a happy, healthy human, here are the kinds of actions that can cultivate thriving relationships with them at any stage of their life.
How to build a better relationship with your child
Spend quality time together
It might not seem like it for new mums, but childhood is fleeting. One moment, you are half-awake in the middle of the night nursing that little bub; the next, they don't want to have anything to do with you. This is the only time we parents have to set their foundations.
Raising children is hard. But even if you're busy with work and chores, try to set aside time to do fun things with your little one. You don't have to go to outings and vacations all the time. Read books, play at the park, tend to the garden, listen to songs, watch Netflix, cook, eat together. The key is to be fully present, physically and emotionally.
Try to spend one-on-one time with your child. When you are with your kid, put down that phone. Listen to your child and be responsive. Make sure they know that you enjoy this moment with your child. What your child needs the most is you.
Share stories from your own life to build trust
I was raised by a grandma who's the greatest storyteller ever. She had a "when I/your dad/your aunt was your age" story related to whatever I was going through. Sharing her stories made me connect to her, and it's something that I now love doing with my child.
It can be hard to open up to your kid about your own life. For any adult to admit to things you are not proud of — in age-appropriate ways, of course — requires courage and honesty. But you become more relatable, and your child learns to trust you more. After all, what you're admitting is that you're not perfect, and they, too, don't have to be.
Show interest in their interests
Another important way for children to desire positive relationships with parents and carers is to show interest in the things your child loves. Whether it's arts, sports, or academics, it means a lot that parents take their children's interests seriously. Who knows, you may also enjoy the things they love.
Even if you can't always show up at their school events because of other stuff you have to attend, you can talk about it over dinner. Doing so doubles as spending quality time together. It's hitting two birds with one stone. You can also give them gifts related to their hobbies and interests. What's important is your kid sees that you are actually paying attention.
How to build a better relationship with your child (cont.)
Apologise when you're wrong
Sorry seems to be the hardest word for many parents, but it's crucial if you want to build a stronger bond with your child in any phase of their life. The truth is, a lot of time, we don't know what we're doing. We make mistakes and admitting them demonstrates accountability and humility to your child. More importantly, it validates your child's feelings. This is beneficial in helping them express their emotions, gives your child confidence, and makes them feel more connected to you.
Last Christmas, my three-year-old profusely refused to greet and hug a relative during our vacation. I got a little angry and said that her behaviour was disrespectful. But I soon remembered how I have always told her that she doesn't have to do things that cause her discomfort. I felt ashamed of myself and quickly apologised to my daughter. It's hard but completely necessary. And when they become adults, you can also apologise for parenting mistakes.
Show up
Have you noticed that your kid performs better in school presentations when you are in the audience? Many of my mum friends say so. That's the power of showing up. For kids, showing up is love expressed in actions. It doesn't just help with their self-esteem; it tells your child that they can rely on you for support.
For some mums, it might be harder to show up all the time. Especially so if you have a job or you have multiple children that need your attention. But trust me, the memory of you being a reliable mum sticks with them throughout their life.
Avoid comparing them to their siblings or peers
Comparison is indeed the thief of joy. Comparing your child to other people, even within families, is damaging in many ways. Every kid is different — their behaviours, their growth rate, their interests and skills, and even their dreams. Comparison results in kids who feel like they're not good enough for who they are. They might feel like their value depends on how they fare against other people, turning them competitive or giving up entirely.
Also, it can place unrealistic expectations on them, especially if your child is the one doing better. It's not wrong to have high expectations consistent with their interests and skills. But don't make them feel like they have to compete with others for your approval.
How to build a better relationship with your teenage child
Respect their need for privacy
The teen years are notorious for being secretive but it's part of child development and their journey to adulthood. Because most of us went through this phase, we parents must be the first to understand our teenagers. They are building their identity and going through a confusing period. They're also building their independence and learning how to handle emotions. Interacting with your child with respect helps in raising caring adults. Remember, this little person most needs warmth and encouragement from you.
Listen to what your child wants and respectfully find ways to meet in the middle. Don't scour through their phone. Don't read their journal. Give them their own room, or if that's not possible, at least their own bed and closet. And, for heaven's sake, don't take away their bedroom door!
Give them more responsibility
Allowing your child to take on responsibilities is necessary to improve your relationship. You are teaching them independence and a sense of obligation. Whether it's making them do their laundry, letting them manage their finances, or encouraging them to get a part-time job, you help your child learn important life skills. Hold them accountable. Moreover, responsibilities tell them that you trust them, which can boost their self-esteem.
For example, let your child take the lead in planning your activities for a holiday. This shows your child that you trust in their abilities and judgment. Hopefully, this helps them be empowered to step up in the face of challenges. Moreover, this can be an opportunity to teach them about considering the well-being of others in their decision-making.
Set boundaries about technology respectfully
If you do decide to give your child a phone or a laptop, it's equally important that you set boundaries. It's a big and scary leap for parents, especially knowing all the dangers of the internet. Beanstalk Mums has a guide to setting phone rules, if you're interested.
Anyway, the operative word here is "respectfully". Your teen is in a rebellious phase, so be calm when you communicate the boundaries you have set. Inform them of the apps and parental controls you are setting up. Let them understand that you are only setting these limits for their own protection.
How to build a better relationship with your adult child
Treat them as equals in discussions
They say that motherhood doesn't end when your child is an adult. But it's important for us mums to understand that our older kids are their own persons. Now, their opinions are equally valid. No more "Because I said so" and "I'm still your mum." That's not just because they have turned 18. They have gone through different phases of life and experienced many things. They have lived life and gained wisdom. This time, try to understand the world through their eyes. Who knows, hearing their views can be a great tool for self-reflection.
Offer help without making them feel obligated
If they don't follow your advice, it's okay. Don't sulk and make your child feel guilty for not accepting your help. They have their own way of doing things now. It's time you trust that you have built strong foundations and values, enabling your child to make decisions and solve problems. If you have had a healthy relationship with your child growing up, I swear they are grateful for the fact that you have offered.
Express pride in who they have become
Now that I'm a mum myself, it gives me unexplainable joy when my own parents appreciate the person that I am. I'm fortunate that my mum and dad are both affectionate and expressive people. Hearing from their own lips that they think I've done well and that they are proud of me gives me confidence and drive.
This is something that every child has to hear from their parents. No matter what they achieve. No matter what they have. Tell your child that you are proud not necessarily of their financial successes but of their character and values. Let them know that they are seen.
Final thoughts: Building a better relationship with your child
To nurture relationships with your children is not about being the perfect parent. Let's face it, none of us are. It's about being present, kind, and willing to grow alongside them. The journey of parenthood is as much about raising your child as it is about learning from them.
Whether you're cuddling your newborn, navigating the rollercoaster of the teenage years, or offering support to your adult child, the love, trust, and connection you build will always matter. Remember, the experiences of young people shape their future.
And while no relationship is without its bumps, it's never too late to strengthen the bond with your child. With patience, honesty, and lots of love, you can create a strong relationship that stands the test of time — one that both you and your child will cherish forever.
