Passive-aggressive behaviour can make co-parenting feel like a nightmare. This hidden hostility creates constant tension and makes communication difficult, impacting both you and your kids. Instead of dealing with problems directly, passive-aggression leads to confusion and frustration.
Worry not! I created this guide to help you deal with a passive-aggressive co-parent while putting your children’s well-being first. Ready to turn those subtle jabs into a cohesive parenting plan? Let’s get started!
What is passive-aggressive behaviour?
Passive-aggressive behaviour is when someone expresses negative feelings indirectly instead of openly. This might look like giving backhanded compliments, making snide remarks, procrastinating on purpose, or being stubborn without saying why. It’s a way of showing anger or frustration without actually saying it.
10 Tips to co-parent with a passive aggressive ex
How do you deal with a passive-aggressive co-parent?
So, how do you co-parent with a passive-aggressive ex? One of the most effective means of dealing with passive-aggressive behaviour is to simply ignore and pretend you don’t notice – if it doesn’t noticeably bother you, the behaviour loses its power. But this isn’t always possible when you are co-parents and there are children affected, so here are some strategies to help save your sanity.
1. Recognise the signs
Passive aggressiveness can be subtle, but once you spot it, it's hard to miss. Look for patterns like backhanded compliments, sarcastic remarks, silent treatment, or intentional procrastination. Your ex might say things like, "Sure, I'll pick up the kids if you think it's best for them to miss their extracurricular activities," or they may "forget" important dates. Pay attention to these signs and how you react to them. Being aware of these tactics helps you stay prepared and manage your responses effectively.
2. Choose your battles
When co-parenting with a passive-aggressive ex-spouse, it's important to choose your battles wisely. Not every issue is worth the stress and conflict. Focus on what truly matters for your children’s well-being and stability. Let go of minor irritations and inconveniences to maintain a more peaceful relationship. For instance, if your former partner makes a snide remark, it might be better to ignore it rather than engage in an argument. Save your energy for addressing major issues that directly impact your kids, like education, health, and overall care. Prioritise the big picture to reduce unnecessary tension.
3. Remain unemotional
Sometimes, dealing with a passive-aggressive person is like resolving a kid's tantrum. When your ex-partner acts passive-aggressively, don't take the bait. Showing anger or frustration only shifts the focus away from the real issue. Stay calm and communicate clearly and openly about your feelings without getting emotional. Model the behaviour you want to see from your co-parent—be direct, honest, calm, clear, and respectful—even if they don't do the same. To keep your cool, take deep breaths, wait before responding to emails or messages, let calls go to voicemail, or remove yourself from the situation if needed.
4. Call it out
When there's a problem, say so. Point out the hostile behaviour and explain how it harms your parental responsibilities. Be specific about what your ex-spouse says or does that’s upsetting. Understand that calling out the behaviour might not stop it and could even make it worse. Only do this if you feel safe and there's no risk of abuse or violence.
Strategies for dealing with a passive aggressive co-parent(cont.)
5. Seek support
Your situation can be incredibly challenging and isolating, so it's essential to seek support. Surround yourself with friends and family who understand your situation and can offer advice, a listening ear, or a shoulder to lean on. Consider joining a support group for co-parents or those dealing with similar issues. Hearing from others who have been through the same struggles can be incredibly validating and helpful. Talking to a therapist can also provide professional guidance and coping strategies tailored to your needs. Talking through your challenges with someone who understands can provide much-needed relief and perspective.
6. Put it in writing
Keep your co-parent informed in writing about the kids' needs, plans, and activities to avoid confusion. Have a detailed parenting plan with clear pickup/drop-off times and holiday arrangements, including contingencies for illness or changes. Use neutral locations for pickups and drop-offs, like school or a grandparent's house, to prevent delays. Ensure all other caregivers are aware of and follow these arrangements. I have found shared calendars or parenting app to be invaluable for this kinds of scenarios.
7. Effective communication
Stick to the facts, avoid emotional triggers, and keep your exchanges as straightforward as possible. Avoid vague language or emotional responses, as these can be misinterpreted or used against you. Instead of saying, "I feel like you never support my decisions," try, "I need confirmation that you'll pick up the kids at 5 PM on Friday." Clear communication reduces misunderstandings and minimises opportunities for passive-aggressive behaviour to fester.
While assertive communication isn’t aggressive, your ex might perceive it that way, especially if they’re not used to it. If conversations become too stressful or harmful to your mental health, switch to written communication like texts or emails. This not only helps you maintain a calm and clear tone but also gives you time to craft your responses thoughtfully.
8. Establish boundaries and stick to them
Set rock solid boundaries, state the consequences, and follow through. Clearly define what's acceptable and what's not, and stick to your guns. If your co-parent insists on veering off course, gently but firmly guide the conversation back to the set boundaries. For instance, if they start making passive-aggressive remarks, remind them of the purpose of the conversation – the well-being of your children. If this behaviour happens in front of the children, say, “This is not OK for the kids. I’ll remove them from this situation and explain why it’s unacceptable.” Then, walk or drive away, close the door, or hang up to enforce your boundaries.
9. Be the bigger person (even when it's hard)
Don’t badmouth your ex. Yes, it’s tempting to fight fire with fire, but that often leads to more flames. Being the bigger person means handling situations with maturity and composure, even when the behaviour of your co-parent is challenging. Keep in mind that one parent should remain calm and reasonable for your kids' sake. Responding to passive-aggressiveness with patience and maturity can help defuse tense situations. It also sets a positive example for your kids on how to handle conflict gracefully.
10. Opt out
Passive-aggressive exes can make co-parenting impossible. If this is your reality, consider a parallel parenting model where you have indirect contact with each other. If you've done all you can, allow yourself to step back and focus on yourself and your children. When dealing with a passive-aggressive ex-partner and co-parent, you need to unhook from the power struggle. Learn to deal with your own fear of conflict or need to please.
Passive aggression in a co-parenting relationship is harmful to your kids. Call it out if it’s safe for you to do so and control what you can – your own behaviour. Remember, remain calm. Set firm boundaries and consistently enforce them. Respond rather than react. Communicate clearly, concisely and assertively. Break the cycle by creating a healthier pattern for your family.
Summary: How to deal with a passive-aggressive ex
So, if you find yourself dealing with an ex who could moonlight as a master of passive aggression, first, take a deep breath. Second, know that you're not alone in this. Remember why you’re doing this. Don't forget that you want to ensure your children have the best possible upbringing, despite the circumstances. Keeping this goal in mind can help you stay motivated and patient, even on the toughest days. With a little strategy, a bucketful of patience, and a lot of humour, you can navigate this tricky terrain like a pro.
