How to dump a guy nicely after a first date.
Rejection sucks. There’s no way around it.
When we get rejected by someone we’re into, we wonder why we’re not good enough for them, resulting in many nights of hurt, blame, and despair. We wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone, and we’d rush to comfort and fiercely decry the injustice wrought upon our loved ones.
So, imagine when you’re the one doing the rejecting instead.
Yes, there’s this horrible thing called ghosting, but you’re too kind for that, and you’re definitely not a coward. And goodness, there’s now this new thing called caspering. This is a friendlier version of ghosting, but might be even worse, because every nice reply from you can give the rejectee renewed hope.
How then, can we nicely and firmly tell a guy that we can’t stand how whiny he is or that we’re not up for a relationship with a man who still lives with his mum … without hurting him?
The truth is, you can never reject someone without them taking it personally on some level. But you can hold your head high by following these tried and tested rules to dump a guy nicely.
HOW TO DUMP A GUY NICELY
BE CONCISE, HONEST AND DIRECT
Since you’ve not started dating seriously, it’s fine to send a text. But remember that it’s hard for men to read between the lines or a whole wall of words about you justifying why you don’t want to see him anymore. If you want to dump a guy nicely keep it simple.
First, thank them for the time or date you’ve had together, and then you can say:
‘I’m sorry, but I wasn’t feeling it. I think we both would be better off seeing other people.’
‘I’ve been thinking about this, and I think it’s best that we go our separate ways.’
‘I think we’re not the right fit for each other and we’ll be much happier dating other people whom we’re more compatible with.’
‘I’m afraid that I just didn’t feel a connection, and I think we would both have a better time dating someone who’s a better fit.’
‘I feel that there just wasn’t enough chemistry for us to move forward, so it might be better for us to part ways now than force it.’
Rip off the proverbial band-aid and be very clear. Dancing around what you really want to say will only serve to hurt you both even more.
MAKE IT MORE ABOUT HIM THAN YOU
Rejection is always about what we lose because we’re not good enough.
Frame the rejection in a way that benefits him, and it will suddenly seem like a good idea. A good way to reframe it is to talk in terms of emotions, time, money and energy.
You can say:
‘We could continue dating, but it would simply be prolonging the inevitable. I would feel forced, and you wouldn’t have a great time either. It’ll be a lot of time, money, and energy wasted on your part.’
‘I wouldn’t want someone to fake their feelings for me just to placate me, and I’m sure you wouldn’t either.’
‘I need to be honest with you since I would like someone I’m dating to be honest with me back. You deserve that.’
‘I think you deserve a woman who is fully into you, rather than someone who just isn’t feeling it. I hate to hurt you in any way, but I don’t want to waste your time either. With that, I sincerely wish you all the best in your dating journey and hope you find the right match.’
HOW TO BREAKUP WITH A GUY NICELY (CONT.)
ANSWER FOLLOW-UP QUESTIONS WITH SUGGESTIONS, NOT CRITIQUE
Sometimes men want closure or some feedback on how to improve their dating game. It might be the last thing you feel like doing, think about how you would feel in their shoes, then take some time to provide feedback. After all, the poor guy is making himself as vulnerable as possible here, and we can at least appreciate his desire to improve.
Never outright accuse or critique him harshly. Instead, give positive, specific suggestions. Be kind and gentle the same way you would want someone to be with you.
‘I’d have loved it if …’
‘I feel it could have been a better experience if …’
‘I would have appreciated it if …’
Only focus on his actions, not him as a person, because no one truly likes to be told there is something wrong with them. Helpful suggestions about his behaviour will empower him to make better choices, which is why these are often much better received.
If, despite your suggestions, he gets defensive, angry or passive-aggressive, where you feel blamed for not liking him enough, remind him that he was the one who asked for feedback. Explain that it is your honest opinion, and even if he doesn’t agree with it, he should respect how you feel about it. Wish him all the best and inform him that you will no longer be replying.
Be content knowing that you did your absolute best to reject someone nicely. And feel grateful that he has shown you exactly who he is, proving that your gut instinct was right all along.
HOW TO DUMP A GUY NICELY AFTER A FIRST DATE
NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER OFFER TO BE FRIENDS AS A CONSOLATION PRIZE
Anyone who does any rejecting would have offered to be friends at least once, but few of us actually mean it. This leaves the other person feeling like they’ve just been had. Believe it or not, softening the blow by being ‘friends’ can be crueler than cutting it off entirely.
Unless you genuinely see a benefit to keeping the guy in your life, AND you plan to follow up, it’s best to firmly part ways and agree that you’ll say hi if you bump into each other on the streets.
Many overeager guys see this as a chance to woo you again, because to them, you’ve left a little gap where you’ve intended to close the door. You can expect to get a text from them over the next few days inviting you to dinner as if nothing has happened.
Cut it off cleanly and lay down expectations. Your future self will thank you.
In the end, when you want to dump a guy nicely, always act the way you would want someone to treat you, even if it hurts.
It’s so much better to come out on top than shrink away. Your dating drama will reduce significantly and you’ll be completely free to date someone you’re really into.