There is nothing like a divorce to stamp out the desire for anything sexual in your life!
And yet, feeling good about yourself and allowing yourself pleasure is exactly what you need right now.
We’re not saying go out and find an easy lay … although each to their own. But, there are lots of ways to light the fire of your libido and even more reasons why you shouldn’t delay on your mission to feel sexy again.
In this article we talk about:
- The changing libido
- Possible reasons for a low sex drive
- Why it’s good for you to feel sexy again
- Our top tips to get your libido back after divorce
THE CHANGING LIBIDO
Many factors affect libido, and it is normal for sexual desire to fluctuate as we age and experience life changes.
Major life events like divorce, job loss, financial stress or a death in the family can have a negative impact on sexual desire. Hormonal changes like menopause where estrogen drops can make women less interested in sex. The same goes for pregnancy and accompanying body image issues, not to mention the exhaustion associated with caring for a newborn.
Sometimes a fluctuating sex drive is caused by medical conditions (heart disease, cancer, neurological disorders), taking certain medications (like antidepressants or contraceptives), or mental health issues like depression and anxiety.
Poor body image, beliefs, mood, and history of abuse/negative sexual experiences also play a role. Often, the absence of or reduced emotional intimacy due to relationship problems can make arousal impossible.
If you’ve lost all interest in sex and it is disrupting your life or relationship, it’s important to talk to someone and get help. Your low libido problems could be solved by something as simple as switching meds or making lifestyle changes.
Try not to worry though, as Better Health Channel says:
“There is no right or wrong level of libido, and there is no ‘normal’ when it comes to how often you have sex. Some people have sex or feel like having sex every day, others may have sex once a year or not at all. It all depends on what you prefer and your life circumstances”
POSSIBLE REASONS FOR A LOW SEX DRIVE
- Menopause is one of the top reasons for low libido. When the ovaries stop producing estrogen, changes in the vagina such as dryness and poor muscle tone can make it longer and more difficult for women to experience arousal.
- Fatigue. It’s common to feel too tired to have sex. Sometimes you’re just way too exhausted to even think about doing the deed.
- No time. When you’re busy juggling the demands of family, work and other commitments, it can be difficult to squeeze in sexy time.
- Pain. Pain during sex can make women avoid it altogether.
- Physical activity. Too much or too little exercise can impact desire for sex.
- Mental health issues. Depression and other mental health issues can increase tiredness and lower your libido.
- Stress and health problems. Underlying health problems and medications you are taking may cause a lowered desire for sex.
- Relationship problems. Your libido can take a hit when other areas of your relationship are suffering.
- Sexual incompatibility. One person wanting more sex than the other or vice versa can kill the mood and lower sexual desire.
WHY IT’S GOOD FOR YOU TO FEEL SEXY AGAIN
Divorce or a bad breakup can kill your self-worth and leave you feeling depressed, deflated and with zero desire for sex.
If you have always enjoyed sex, but your libido has taken a beating, it’s important to feel sexy again. A crucial part of the healing process after divorce is regaining confidence and happiness by focusing on self-love. And that includes experiencing sexual pleasure and rebuilding sexual self-esteem.
- Feel more confident and attractive. Having good sex regularly makes you feel sexier, more confident and more attractive.
- Make your relationship stronger. For many couples, sex is the glue that holds the relationship together, especially during dark times.
- Reduce stress. Besides reducing stress, frequent sex is associated with a reduced risk for heart attacks. It may also boost metabolism and your immune system.
- Have fun. Consider sex as a treat and pleasure that is part of your self-care routine.
Further reading: How to supercharge your self-esteem after divorce.
OUR TOP TIPS TO GET YOUR LIBIDO BACK AFTER DIVORCE
GET TO KNOW AND LOVE YOUR BODY AGAIN
Exploring your sexuality and getting to know and loving your body can all give your libido a much-needed boost. When you are comfortable in your own skin, no matter the size, you are also more confident in and outside the bedroom.
Further reading: How to have the best sex life ever … with yourself.
WORK ON YOUR MENTAL HEALTH
Seeking treatment for mental health issues and making lifestyle changes to improve your general well-being and happiness can work wonders for your sexual desire. Beat stress by spending time with family, doing things you love, meditating, and working out. Eat a healthy diet and get enough sleep to combat fatigue and prevent chronic disease.
TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT IT
If lack of sexual desire is affecting your day-to-day, it helps to talk to someone about it. It can be your partner, friend or therapist. Not discussing concerns can make them worse and affect other areas of your relationship.
If you have partner but you’re just not feeling it, HealthDirect.gov.au says:
“If you feel uneasy talking about sex, in a relationship try asking your partner how they feel about your sex life first. Remember to reassure your partner that you still love them and enjoy close contact with them. You should also talk about how you like to be touched and caressed. Especially if you can reach orgasm by masturbating, but not from foreplay or sexual intercourse with your partner.”
Being touched is a human need. It doesn’t have to be sex and you don’t always need a partner. Hugging your loved ones, getting a nice full-body massage (or even a foot massage), touching yourself and using toys are all great ways to increase your sexual desire.
Further reading: How to cope with lack of intimacy as a single mum.
MODERATE DRINKING, SMOKING ETC
Some medications like anti-depressants, contraceptive pills, and prescription drugs can lower libido. However, don’t make changes without seeing your doctor first.
Too much alcohol can also reduce sexual reflexes and mess with your sleep. If you are a smoker, quitting can increase blood flow to sex organs and may postpone menopause.
CONSIDER DATING AGAIN (IF YOU FEEL READY)
Dating again can bring excitement and novelty to your life and fire up your sexual desire. But do it only if you feel ready, as forcing yourself to date can have the opposite effect of lowering your libido.
Further reading: The beginners guide on how to date as a single parent.