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    • #20336 Reply
      AvatarAnonymous
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      My mind is in overdrive trying to figure out what to do with my situation. I have two kids aged 7&5. Husband and I are no longer attracted to each other, but we have stayed together so we can give the kids a good start to life, but I think I have let it go too long and now I don’t know whether to leave or stay playing happy families to the outside world and dysfunctional family at home.

      Major reasons for leaving are that apart form not being attracted to each other – we haven’t had sex for 6 years, and before that he had to take viagra to get it up – but I don’t like the person he has become and how he treats his mum, me and the kids is just horrible. Very selfish and short tempered. I’m thick skinned I but I worry about the impact on the kids. He rarely says anything positive to them and is always having a go at them when they are just being kids. They are good kids.

      I feel like I need to stay as we have a million dollars of debt, and it needs both our incomes to pay it. I also have a demanding job so we share the drop off and pick ups of kids during the week.

      We did seperate about 3 years ago but it only lasted 6 months before I went back to live in the family home as it was too hard trying to juggle everything on my own, and hated not being able to supervise his actions with them kids. That said, I guess we have been technically separated since we have never re-connected sexually.

      I’m now craving some more emotional support and want the opportunity to meet someone new. I don’t want to keep playing happy families, but also don’t want to take the kids away from a stable home. I’m so confused. I know the right thing to do is to just leave, and I wish I had stayed strong last time I left as I may have been in a better spot by now. But maybe I can stay under the same roof and keep playing this game a little bit longer until the kids are at high school? Or just wait until I meet someone new and the leave then.

      Has anyone else navigated this situation before?

    • #20348 Reply
      AvatarAnonymous
      Guest

      I’m sorry but your saying your in a stable home but the father is horrible to the kids, that’s not stable- the fact that he is rude to you and his own mother would be impacting your children on an emotional level… furthermore your children would be picking up on the environment they are exposed to. It sounds like your stuck in a funk- And even though you have an arrangement together of picks up and so on, staying together for debt and to look like a “stable” family is strange. Not having sex for 6 years, of course your ready to move on there is nothing keeping you bound to this situation I hate to say it but your husband has probably turned into this nasty person, cause he’s under the impression that no matter how he acts or whatever he does he’s also just stuck in this unhappy situation with you, maybe he would like to move on too and feels just as stuck as you are. Maybe Seek a financial advisor see what can be done to write off some of your debt and manage the last of it. Break away and move on, your children deserve to see you and their father happy and thriving, you deserve to be thoroughly ravished by the man of your dreams on the regular with the odd dirty weekend away. Life is to short to be selling yourself short.

    • #20361 Reply
      Lucy GoodLucy Good
      Keymaster

      Leave! You are not teaching your children what a stable family is. They will grow up believing it is ok to live in a loveless relationship. Also kids are very intuitive to what is going on and I can imagine your home is not a very happy.

      There are ways and means to make it work, but LEAVE.

    • #20363 Reply
      Lucy GoodLucy Good
      Keymaster

      It definitely sounds like leaving is your best option.

      Lots people get into your position when they feel that they can’t leave because of this and that. Once you accept that you have to make changes to your life when you leave, it will all become easier.

      Things like cutting down hours at work, accepting your income may be lower, your house will be smaller and that you have no control over how your ex chooses to parent the kids in his time.

      But if you are REALLY ready to breakup, none of the above will matter or it will at least be surmountable as you just was to get away from him.

    • #20367 Reply
      AvatarAnonymous
      Guest

      You sound miserable. It’s no way to live. From what you have said in your message the answer is clear.

    • #20395 Reply
      AvatarAnonymous
      Guest

      I did this for six months, the kids seemed to be ok but now I look back, they weren’t. They shouldn’t be seeing a family life without love, they will grow up thinking that is normal.

    • #20407 Reply
      AvatarAnonymous
      Guest

      Life is too short hun to endure this kind of situation the fact that you are only staying together just for the kids’ sake is really not right anymore the kids may need to adjust but they will cope. I know it is difficult but you cannot be unhappy for the rest of your life. you’ve been suffering for long now and nobody deserves that. Leave hun!

    • #20565 Reply
      AvatarAnonymous
      Guest

      I can relate. I’m in the most dysfunctional situation. I won’t even call it a relationship. Separate rooms for about a year but no connection for a lot longer. My situation is complicated by the fact I’ve been a stay at home Mum and my family all live in Ireland. I think in your shoes with the means to leave I would be gone. But I know it’s not that simple. Mine is actually a good dad in many ways, very involved. But he has no emotional intelligence, is very hard on them, critical and pushes them too much. But my main concern is that he’s completely irresponsible when it comes to our youngest who is 5. I feel so stuck and scared. I stuck with things not being great for years, thinking it’s all just normal ups and downs. We tried counseling and he literally blamed me for everything. The counsellor was taken aback and once he started to let his guard down he refused to go again. Have you ever tried? Personally, I believe that people can rekindle sparks and find ways to connect. But you have to both be willing to try and be open. I also think some men are just not capable of that. But also if you are already sure there is no way you want to be with this man in 10 years time I wouldn’t stay for the sake of the kids. I’m actually feeling I have to leave for their sake. They have no idea what a healthy relationship is like. And his parents are like him. They’ve no intimacy at all. They don’t ever talk to each other. He’s learnt it from them. I fell into this by not seeing how controlling he was and avoiding conflict. I don’t want this cycle to continue. It sucks though. My kids are used to having holidays, big house, being able to do all and every after school activity they want. I’ve been poor before I’ll be ok, but they will struggle and blame me.
      Sorry for the ramble. Not sure it’s helpful but I really do understand how hard this decision is.

    • #54227 Reply
      AvatarAnonymous
      Guest
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