- This topic has 11 replies, 1 voice, and was last updated 5 days, 3 hours ago by Anonymous.
December 27, 2020 at 8:49 pm #58306AnonymousGuest
My three year old daughter has been spending one overnight with her father since September. He lives two hours away.
She has now started two overnights under a court order.
She gets very upset the day before going, saying she doesn’t want to go etc. Changeovers are now a nightmare and I have to hand her over screaming. She tells me she wants to come home on our FaceTime call.
I’m supportive of her time with dad but concerned about her well-being and change in behaviour.
Does anyone have experience in a similar situation? Her father isn’t receptive to hearing my concerns about her emotional well-being and says she is fine. This makes it very difficult.
December 27, 2020 at 9:29 pm #58308AnonymousGuest
December 27, 2020 at 9:56 pm #58311
Super hard but ultimately she has to spend time with her dad so encourage her to go. Set up a routine from your end to prepare her for going and talk to her about the fun she will have while there and what you will do when she gets back. It can also help you tell her what you’ll be doing while she is gone. Also make sure she has any comforters that will help her relax.
December 27, 2020 at 10:10 pm #58312AnonymousGuest
Thanks for your advice.
I’m doing all of those things now. I’m at a loss as to what else I can do to support her 🙁
I just wish that her father could work with me and not against me. He would never tell me if she’s unhappy.
December 27, 2020 at 10:18 pm #58313
Rather than talking to your ex about your concerns for her emotional wellbeing which he will take as an insult, instead talk to him about how between you, you can make changeover easier and make your daughter more content at his. Perhaps share your routine with him so he can create a similar one. And let him know what things make her feel better when she is upset etc ..
It can take time for kids to get used to any new routine and she is only so young so give it time and consistency and hopefully it will get easier.
December 28, 2020 at 2:55 pm #58352AnonymousGuest
It’s not uncommon for children of this age to experience difficulty with separations or transitions but usually they settle in O.K. Also, they’re often alert to the mood and emotional state of a caregiver. Are YOU worried about her going? Is there any chance she might be picking up on some anxiety from your end? Your comment about FaceTime is one reason that I insisted on no FaceTime in our consent orders.
Unfortunately, if it’s a Court order, you just have to ride it out. For your own sake, try to let go of any expectations that your ex will work with you because the very fact that you needed Court orders for parenting arrangements speaks volumes about the type of parental relationship you have (coming from someone in the same boat).
December 28, 2020 at 8:30 pm #58371
I agree with the last message about FT … it actually made it harder for our kids to focus on the house they were at and was a trigger for missing the other parent.
December 28, 2020 at 9:41 pm #58376
This article might have some ideas that you have not already tried OP:
January 1, 2021 at 1:04 pm #58600AnonymousGuest
This happens to me every changeover.
My therapist says – court orders are between parents not children. We put all this pressure on our kids to abide by these orders when they are not theirs to abide by.
My kids struggle going to their fathers every transition. Whether it be pick up from school (my son hides in the bathroom and won’t go to him) and my 13 year old daughter cries and often refuses to go.
When I’ve tried to talk to them about what they are feeling it’s the following: dads too busy on his phone, he doesn’t feed us, leaves us on our own and gets a sitter, says he is going out with a friend but don’t understand why that friend can’t come to his house, he lies to us, he is never present even when he is home. My ex has an anger problem and when the kids speak up – they get the full narcissistic treatment.
My ex being the person he is, can’t see that his behaviours and actions are the cause of the problems here. Instead – it’s my fault as usual.
I’m now finding my strength and putting it back on him and asking –
Why is it the children have got their bags packed to come home or from school on transition days back to me but don’t behave the same way with him.
I know the reasons why but how do you make a narcissist take responsibility for their actions.
My kids anxiety goes through the roof when it is transition day as does mine. I just want a peaceful handover and transition as it’s hard enough having to not have them around but to leave them
Crying and not see them – tears me apart
January 10, 2021 at 8:12 pm #59656AnonymousGuest
I am going through this same thing with my 5 yr old daughter and it’s because of my ex’s anger… we don’t have court orders in place so not sure where to go from here, and I know it’s because of his anger but he thinks it’s me…
January 10, 2021 at 9:20 pm #59666AnonymousGuest
Could you try going to child inclusive mediation? That way you get professional advice and your daughter’s wishes will be heard.
January 15, 2021 at 10:40 pm #60055AnonymousGuest
My friend recommended this book (Parenting Toddlers: How You Can Use Positive Discipline to Raise Kids Who Will Have High Self-Esteem, Including Tips for Sleep Training, Handing Tantrums and a Guide to Potty Training) and it’s honestly been a huge game changer for me, it’s been so helpful in so many different aspects of parenting! Here’s the link if you want a free copy: https://amzn.to/2LsVSum
If you want to cancel during the free trial you can, you still get the book, that’s what I did haha 😆