- This topic has 10 replies, 1 voice, and was last updated 6 months, 3 weeks ago by Anonymous.
- January 1, 2020 at 9:51 pm #22567AnonymousGuest
How to deal with the constant pressure and anxiety caused by an ex who continually harrasses me to move to where he is in an expensive area…
This is a bit of a mini rant, but also would appreciate advice from anyone who has experienced this, or can give me some reassurance.
Background: ex and I have two children – 11yrs and 8 yrs. Kids are with me 10 days a fornight and with ex 4 days a fortnight (Fri to Mon one weekend, Fri to Sat alternate weekend). This has pretty much been the arrangement for the past 6 years, no court orders in place. We currently live 1 hour 15 mins apart (it was 1 hour apart up until mid 2018 but ex purchased a house with his GF a further 15 mins away – realistically 20 mins in gridlocked Sydney traffic). I have been the primary carer since birth and only held part time jobs for 11 years. I live as close as I can afford to ex, in order to facilitate his time with the kids while still being able to take care of their needs, one with some learning difficulties (I have no family support),but even where I am now, my rent is 40% of my current income.
Ex pressures me constantly to move to Sydney for 50:50 access. His belief is that I should work full time in the Sydney CBD and put the kids into before and after school care each day so that I can afford to live close by in order to facilitate 50:50. This is so impractical and unrealistic…on a rental property at $600 / week (conservative by Sydney standards), I would need to be earning $90k /year for that property to be 35% of my gross income (which is considered rent stress). Not to mention additional cost of living, transport and before/after school care costs. Once my son goes to high school in a year, he will no longer be eligible for before/after school care so would be needing to get himself to and from school and being in the house alone until I get home from work. Ex also works full time so the kids would presumably be in the same position with him. I simply can’t see how this is in the best interests of the kids.
I am worried about what ex’s next step will be if I say no yet again, and my anxiety is through the roof. There are no court orders in place.
Any advice appreciated…
- January 1, 2020 at 9:58 pm #22569AnonymousGuest
You have very good reasons for staying where you are – as far as I am aware you’re not obligated to move in order for access to be easier for him.. I should think it would be the other way around given he is requesting more access? Is there a reason he can’t do it with your current distance? I live 30 minutes from my kids school in the opposite direction of my workplace and spend 2 hours commuting morning and evening when I have my kids and I’ve managed 50:50 under these circumstances with no support so I should think he could also do something like this? Are you close to their school? Close to your workplace? Can you try to mediate?
- January 2, 2020 at 10:52 am #22602AnonymousGuest
He sounds like a bully. None of it makes sense. Like the other poster said why can’t he move to your area if he wants more access?? I presume your kids are settled into school and with friends? And that he wants you to move closer to his home and work? But wouldn’t that move not only be bad for you and your time with kids but also mean the kids starting a new school? And finding a rental for $600 In Sydney in very optimistic.
- January 2, 2020 at 2:33 pm #22608AnonymousGuest
Agree with the above poster. Your ex sounds like a bully. What sacrifices/compromises has HE made (or is willing to make) to ensure he gets more time with the kids? Personally, I’d be waiting until he arranges mediation +/- Court proceedings before taking any of it seriously. My lawyer (Family lawyer of 28+ years experience in Family Law) also advised that Courts normally order 4-5 nights/fortnight MAX with the non-residential parent (+ half school hols) when kids are school age & I doubt the Court would want to uproot children from existing school, friendships networks etc. There’s also many factors (such as the ones you’ve mentioned above) that Courts use to determine the best interests of the children.
One thing I’m slowly learning is that whilst I can’t change the bullying behaviour of my ex, I CAN choose how much I let it affect me… perhaps try to learn some strategies around this also
- January 2, 2020 at 3:36 pm #22611AnonymousGuest
Do not move anywhere less you want to. He cannot dictate anything.
- January 4, 2020 at 12:03 pm #22682AnonymousGuest
I think your ex is just trying to make you do what he wants but he cannot force you to move just because he wants more access to the kid’s hun so just relax.
- January 5, 2020 at 11:21 am #22757AnonymousGuest
Thank you for all your responses. To answer a few of your questions, his argument is that he can’t move to my area due to his job being based in the CBD, he can’t move any further afield as he then can’t maintain his current job and therefore can’t support the kids (reading between the lines: he has repartnered and has taken on a substantial mortgage). Also can’t see them more often as hour and 15 is too far to travel and get to and from work. The kids go to school 2 mins from my house and have established friendships. My son has expressed a desire to go to his local high school with his friends.
- January 5, 2020 at 1:34 pm #22761AnonymousGuest
It could be possible for you to meet at a public location (a library or McDonald’s, for example) that is in between the two places of residence to do a change over of custody. This was court ordered for a family friend of ours who lives around 2 hours apart from his ex wife. This strategy allows for children to have shared time with both parents and accomodates the distance, whilst not forcing anyone to move. Would you and your ex be willing to consider this?
- January 8, 2020 at 1:39 pm #22905AnonymousGuest
It appears from what you have said, that both of you are unwilling to work together or even compromise for the best interest of your children. You and your ex will not be forced to move and he cannot dictate your job (so rediculous).
Mediation and possibly court looks like a good option here as neither one of you are willing to compromise for a good outcome. Meeting in the middle geographically for 50/50 custody sounds like best interest of kids from an impartial perspective (if he takes you to court, there is a very high chance he will get shared). As for high school, probably a location in between will work well (perhaps a suitable public location to do the swap?). If this does go to court, you definitely need to see this as a positive move for your kids that you will adapt to in the long run.
- January 9, 2020 at 1:55 pm #22966Lucy GoodKeymaster
It is very standard for the man feel his job is the most important thing in the world. Both parents have to make huge adjustments to their lives when they separate and this might also mean he has to change job also or move also. Every situation is different, but if he expects such huge changes from you he should also be prepared to make them. As hard as it may seem, it is a team effort for one reason only .. you kids happiness. Good luck with it.
- January 13, 2020 at 9:24 am #23166AnonymousGuest
Parents can be ordered through court to move closer to children or to original place residence yes true! If it causes it to be difficult for OP to maintain a relationship