- This topic has 6 replies, 1 voice, and was last updated 6 months, 3 weeks ago by Anonymous.
- January 12, 2020 at 1:29 pm #23123AnonymousGuest
What to do???
I have been seperated since April 2019 and settlement is still getting sorted through a lawyer.
My ex messaged me today saying we need to talk about child arrangements because he thinks our 14yr old is depressed and he wants to change their time with me.
I do not agree with this because I speak to my girls every time they are at mine and they both are happy and not depressed. I’m wondering if he is doing this because I have found a new man and just wants to make my life harder now that I am happy.
Should I speak to lawyer first before considering any changes?
I find it hard to believe that my girls are unhappy because I always am open with them and ask the questions all the time. I even ask everytime my new boyfriend comes Over if that is ok with them and they are fine with it.
- January 12, 2020 at 4:53 pm #23139AnonymousGuest
Has he mentioned any specific concerns? My kids are younger but tend to raise concerns with the other parent as opposed to each other. I don’t think it’s from a lack of being open as we are both very open and honest with our kids but I think they just don’t want to hurt or upset their parents so feel it more comfortable to confide in the OP. Perhaps family counselling may help? They may have just mentioned to your ex about your new partner and he could be reading in to it, or they must just notice that the dynamic has changed and therefore are trying to settle. Xx
- January 12, 2020 at 6:16 pm #23143AnonymousGuest
I think being 14 & 17 yr old girls it is also hormonal. I spoke to my girls only two weeks ago and they were fine about everything after we had a chat.
This time we didn’t do much this week, I’m in a very small house while my ex still has our large two storey with a massive spa and pool in it & they are finding it boring at mine because there isn’t much to do and very little money to spend, not like their dad.
- January 12, 2020 at 8:57 pm #23148Lucy GoodKeymaster
I have teenage girls and it is a rollercoaster. If you make changes now, it will all have change again in a month. Often teens are depressed, or seem down, it is part of growing up. If there are real concerns of depression, take her to a GP.
- January 13, 2020 at 1:51 pm #23179Lucy GoodKeymaster
Be careful. Some teenagers can get incredibly depressed. Watch for the signs, he may be right.
- January 13, 2020 at 3:55 pm #23183AnonymousGuest
I agree, my teenage daughter did not cope well with my separation and took a while to warm up to my partner, despite being nice and polite to him. In all fairness your separation and new partner has happened in less than a year and is a huge change for both of them – they are likely confused and still processing. Please don’t be offended by them not sharing everything with you. I think it might just be a good idea to at least listen to your ex’s concerns, rather than just assuming he has malicious intentions. 4 years on, we coparent well, we both have new partners and happy kids.
- January 15, 2020 at 12:13 am #23270AnonymousGuest
While you are entitled to your adult life, teenagers are pretty much adult sized toddlers. Their cognitive(brain thinking) part of their brain is literally being flooded from hormones for the fun of puberty. So they flip between hungry/not hungry, happy/sad, devastated that their pencil broke (tantrum), upset that their favourite shirt is dirty. Get the drift? So a new seperation is flipping their world. Add the new partners, plus hormones. So their emotional platter is overfull-buffet style.
Just like a toddler they want to be heard. So speak when your partner isnt around. If they are perfectly behaving then maybe they fear being honest with you because of your reaction. They probably think you moved on to fast. Remember they are grieving the end of your relationship with their dad(even though the situation wasnt ideal-it is still a loss)
Routine is important for them. But also who is the new partner? Has he earned his spot in your family from the kids perspective?
As for the ex, he probably wants to upend things for you but it is a good sign that he has observed something about the kids. Maybe family counselling. Ask the solicitor to add in a review schedule for every two years.